i wish my room was cleaner and i wish i packed everything.
i want to tell my mom and sister how much i love them but i don't want to forget to tell my aunt, my uncle, my brother, my dad, my cousins how much i love them too
i want to hurt the people who have caused me pain
but more importantly i want the need to cause me pain to end

my favorite memories are watching the sunset with my brother
staying up late to watch sailor moon with my aunt
cutting my sisters hair
using my grandmas foundation stick as lipstick as a child
and then denying that i wasn't playing with her makeup, even with the evidence on my face

people that i loved and spent time with have made it clear that they don't care if i died
that's painful

no matter the inner self work i still pick fights with my lovers
it feels like i cant out run my predisposition
my vulnerablities to illness